you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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