On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
