we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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