she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
