I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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