I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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