so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
