Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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