I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
