so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
