I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
