I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
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It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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