someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
