First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
