She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
