YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
