I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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