Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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