$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
