who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
