That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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