the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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