so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
