just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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