some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
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I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
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Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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