I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
