I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
