omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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