I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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