he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
