If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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