My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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