It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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