I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
