Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
