You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
