i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
