My first STD was from a foam party
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
