3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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