I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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