Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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