peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
