You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's shark week go big or go home
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
