I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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