I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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