im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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