i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
