Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
