my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
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I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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