i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
