I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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