There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
