we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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