i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
