There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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