The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
