Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
