I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
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It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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