I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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